the best is yet to come

Strength

2008-01-27T23:53:00.000-08:00

Why is it, that you can instantly be transported back to a time where you were so unsure of yourself that you feel like you have stepped back to another time, just like that? I think that high school crushes just never go away, even if the underlying reasons they would never have worked didn’t change either. It’s just one of those funny things about life, I guess. It makes me all the more grateful for the stable love that I have found, that makes me crazy excited and get butterflies… but maintain my feet on the floor despite where my heart is going. The high school crush never had that effect. Some people just have a charming way, this way of making you feel like you are the only and most interesting person in the room… and can just as quickly switch modes to the truth. You aren’t, as much as you’d like to be. So get over it, and look at why you feel the need to be raised up to that level of importance. And that’s where you need to focus on making yourself stronger.

There’s something about a new year that always gets me newly excited about the possibilities I have in my life. And though I go back and forth so much about whether or not to go through with school or not… the more I look at the big picture, the more I know that I have to do this. I need to see the bigger picture in my life. I won’t be in IT forever. I want to make more of an impact on the world than that, and there’s only so much I can do in software that will help me get there. There are risks that I need to be willing to take. And I can’t be afraid to talk openly about these.

And, it’s exciting. I love trying new things, and though it will be a significant challenge, I want to see how I will do. I know that no one will tell me to do one of the things over another, and that I need to make the decision and stand firm. I know that I need an adventure this year, and maybe one of a different kind.

New Year’s Resolution: to do one spontaneous thing every month. Does that mean it is no longer spontaneous? Well… I’ll work on that. I need to learn to let go, move faster, simplify, and hold myself accountable. This year will be full of stress, and life, and laughter, and unhappiness – and I want to learn how to embrace all of those things.

Starting, NOW.

Dear All Salespeople,

2008-01-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

I hate you. Yes, all of you. You're in sales, and you will thusly have terrible, terrible karma, if the world has any sense of fairness.

You suck.

Hugs!
Anika

Insomnia

2008-01-23T22:22:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since work stressed me out to the point of not being able to sleep. But, it could also be late-afternoon coffee. Who knows. In any case, awake late on a Wednesday isn't good for anyone, especially if I have to deal with more angry customers or inadequate salespeople tomorrow. Hopefully I'm getting better at this 'assertiveness' thing. I can feel it already. So that's good.

Love

2008-01-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

It's just so damn awesome.

Control Freak?

2007-12-05T23:00:00.001-08:00

I didn't think I was, really. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I'm the crazy one.

Is it so wrong to want change in your life, to want to move on to the next stage? Isn't that part of growing up?

It's like there's a dead weight attached to me, and I'm constantly convincing myself that it makes sense to keep trudging along when maybe it makes sense to cut it free for a while. And then it may learn how to walk alone. Or not...

And most things will never ever change, which is the most worrying thing.

Pictures!

2007-11-13T16:22:00.001-08:00

Picasa is so cool.

Week 1: India

2007-10-21T02:21:00.000-07:00

I have a pounding headache. It's easy to forget, once you get used to things like personal space and quiet tree-lined streets, that there's a whole other world out there, where traffic rules don't exist (the Rule of the Honk reigns supreme) and the cars on the road send dust into the far reaches of one's throat. Only a few days later, and the quiet is just as odd.

We've been from one market to another, indoors and outdoors, and even to an Indian mall. It's the season of festivals here, which means lots of shopping opportunities and even more pujas. There are festivals every day, celebrating at least one faith. The biggest event culminates today, the end of the 9-day Navratri festival and celebration of the destruction of Lord Ravan, during the *original* epic hero's journey / love story, the Ramayana. For another 2 weeks, dancers will perform the Ramlila ballet, shoot off firecrackers, and generally revel during the cooler weather. It's magic like I've never seen...

Gold's Gym and Silk Soymilk

2007-10-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

So, after hitting the jewelry stores, we headed to the mall near Bandra today. Turns out, though Mumbai has really changed, it really hasn't changed at all. There are still markets (in a sense) and hawkers all up in your face trying to sell you their goods...except now they are in an air-conditioned mall and dressed up, rather than on the street. Though those are still there too.

The booming economy pretty much stares you in the face here - lots of good things going on. Including, and you read that right, a Gold's Gym. Actually about five in this city alone, one right around the corner from here. If they can turn around a culture into believing that working out isn't just a pursuit for the ladies of leisure, the place will be better for it. I think it's great because it's (a) too damn hot to do anything active outside really, and it's October, and (b) too damn hot to wear workout pants even if you wanted to do anything active outside and since shorts are out of the question, well... the privacy of a gym sounds refreshing. Now, more than ever, I've gotten used to all the space and anonymity in the world. That's been nothing but a memory as soon as I stepped off the plane last night and entered the world of people. everywhere.

And despite a plethora of delicious Indian food, we managed to find some pretty amazing Italian (with a touch of Indian) food for dinner tonight. Jalapeno pizza? Check (also: yum!). Tiramisu? Check. Mmm... I think that the eating may be my favorite part of this vacation. So far.

Looking forward

2007-10-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

Is it vacation time yet? Well, supposedly two days ago, but for yet another cancellation. If the flight cancellation = a butterfly flapping its wings, what will the impact be in 50 years, of my fellow passengers and I not arriving in London early this morning?

Now, though I'm not one to shout my opinions from a rooftop, or a soapbox, I did start blogging, so I must want my voice heard by someone, right? Here it is: if you, or anyone you know is a billionaire, I urge you to start a competing airline based not on turning a profit (because you know it never will) but serving customers. Don't worry, as long as you offer government discounts you'll probably get plenty of kickbacks to keep you going. And, if you base it somewhere in the Southwest (may I suggest Austin?), even better. C'mon!

Where are you from?

2007-07-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

This morning at the swimming pool, I was reminded once again that I have features associated with an 'outsider'.

Gloria: "Where are you from?"
Me: "Houston"
Gloria: "No, I mean where are you FROM?"
Me: "I grew up in Houston. I am from Houston. My family is originally from India. But I am from Houston." (In my head I'm thinking: she's far too senior to me to lecture. Maybe I'll just blog my lecture instead).

I hate, absolutely hate that question. It's an insult, implying that somehow, my skin color makes me less of an American. Unless someone has a distinct accent, it's never OK to ask this question. Unless you also pose it to every single person, regardless of skin tone, in the room.

The sad thing is, that never happens. And it's a constant question here in Texas. I get it all the time, and I'm on my soapbox now telling you, reader, to catch yourself before falling into this same trap. If I tell you in person, why I think it's a terrible, pigeonholing question, don't look at me all crazy and say "Well I just thought you were beautiful/exotic/different/". Because that may bring on even more trouble.

Here's my response. I was born and raised in Houston. I am from, yes really FROM, the United States, just like you. Even though my parents are naturalized citizens, and were born elsewhere, they are now from, yes really FROM, the US too, and proudly claim it as their own.

And this: you wouldn't ask me if I were white.

New Beginnings

2007-07-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Today marks one year from when I made another major change in my life - choosing to leave a place that had become comfortable to 'start over' - in a way...by returning to a place I had been previously, though it feels like eons ago. And amazingly, it really does feel like a brand new experience.

I hope this year brings on new changes too - it's definitely easy to comfortably float on in this place and hold back from new challenges and next steps. For once, I have no trouble living in the present, and it's nice. That part that still plans for what's next is still there. I think though, at least right now, that 'what's next' is actually defined. The pressure's off, professionally. Time to focus on what's personal, I guess.

In Transition (Still?)

2006-09-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, still.
There is nothing worse (I think) than being stuck in a place that makes you restless, unhappy, unfulfilled. Not knowing where to go to get the best deal on [x]. Not caring, either. Because you're leaving in a month and even if you weren't, you hate it so much it doesn't much matter to find the things about it that might make you happy, or at least more interested.

The sprawl of this city is starting to make me crazy. I've decided I like things small: produce stores, homes, cities, and even people. Smaller is better, I can get my little arms around small concepts. Thinking can be big. Everything else? Small.

I'm going to go be depressed now.

The Big City

2006-08-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

after all that, all the waiting and hoping... the first move is over, the big trip is over...

and I miss my life in SF. City life, of vibrance and friends, of love and crazy landlords, of great running spots and cold sunny days, of the best shopping, and I think most of all, of familiarity.

Yep, I'm feeling 'homesick', for my old home. It feels like a lifetime ago, but feels like I still belong, or at least want to.

And mostly, I'm disheartened to be in the suburbs, where I don't belong and seem to have judging eyes for everyone who does. Was it really a good decision to leave SF? Will it be ok if I set myself up in Austin, only to (maybe) be disappointed again? Since when do I fear disappointment, anyway?

After one week surrounded by 12 friends, and two more weeks surrounded by 13 strangers who became friends over a couple of beers and beach trips, I do welcome the solitude of home. Or at least, solitude. And I can look back now, and see how far I've come since I was 17.

Fireworks in the Rain

2006-04-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

So around midnight last night, as the never ending rain poured down yet again, fireworks exploded over the Bay. Still not sure why, but there you have it, America. San Francisco is officially asserting its weirdness (uniqueness??). The sun was out today, so maybe someone out there was doing a ceremonial stop-raining-dance for all of us. Let's hope it lasts.

How does one stay motivated to do the things we used to live for? I find I'm too lazy to enter runs, go shopping, try new things, get out of my apartment/comfort zone, even, and now that the rains have started to go away, I'm a little scared of leaving that comfort zone. I cannot live in this climate; in fact, I think it's already taken a serious toll on my happiness. I wonder what it'll be like to move to a city that isn't necessarily new, but the experience I'll have there sure will be. Will I try, really try, to meet new people? Or will my attitude of 'why bother' carry over there as well? Will I hide behind my laptop as I have done for so many months now, using up excuses to do anything fun like "I have work to do" or "I just have to send one more email". When will I get my life energy back?

I hope this doesn't mean I need a life coach.

New Year New-Ness

2006-01-20T00:47:00.000-08:00

Lack of customer service agents. A missed plane. A crying baby on a full flight. An arguing couple beginning to yell. A laptop battery near death and two potential new job offers. Acceptance letters to law school? A move eastward (because how much farther west can one go?). Three months to travel the world and feel my independence (or lack of?). Some time to make it a better place too, maybe. Welcome to 2006. A lot will change, and an unexpected amount will probably stay the same. No matter what though, it will involve some growth, in career and in personal life. It may involve heartache, it may involve new loves (or a reigniting of the current). It will certainly involve bad movies and good books. So here we go.

I don’t know what to expect anymore, but change and uncertainty. And quite frankly, it’s exciting. Except for the settling down part. I feel like as I get older, more questions emerge from my brain that cannot be answered. More decisions have to be made, and can only be made by me. And I don’t really believe my gut has the instinct strong enough to make them with conviction.

I’m heading home again and I am wondering if my car’s ok, if my plants and fish are still alive, and if I can take three more months, and really try hard to make them special. This year: my goal: take charge and ask for what I want. And take one significant risk. Maybe a skydive, maybe a trip to Kanya Kumari all by myself: whatever it is, I will make my soul proud of myself this year.

Reunions

2005-11-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

I always avoid reunions, for fear of the required, repeated 'small talk' and awkward moments of silence that inevitably occur... and the odd moments when you realize you're still, really, the same awkward high schooler deep down that you always were. Every once in a while though, it's somewhat comforting to see a familiar face, remind yourself that life is still pretty interesting for you, and remember too why you moved away in the first place. Not really to get away from it all, but to find a source for renewal within. And in a way, it's a little bit inspiring to keep going. If only to allow you a good story to tell later on.
Why do we find it all so fascinating though, that we're interested in making three tv shows about it, including one that's not even a reality show? Go f igure.

Classism

2005-10-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

"elite". It's a funny word, but it does a lot to boost the ol' self esteem. I went for a run early this morning (it was still dark) with over 15,000 women, and got to begin the race with a small group of about 35 very speedy and somewhat intimidating women. I held my own, for the most part (although, most of them were running the full 26.2) but am still truly in awe of the determination of this little group, and later - as I watched the other runners near the finish - of every woman out there, running for her own reason, and with the support of so many others. Seeing so many women running was amazing. One step closer, indeed.

And the sun's out, and a beautiful day is here. Planning your exit from a city, in a way, is kind of neat... in planning out the time I have left here, I've noticed my attitude changed a lot, and I appreciate everything so much more. Why couldn't I think this way before I knew I was headed somewhere else?

Moon Over My Hammies

2005-10-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

The best Relay team name ever, and the most fun I've had in a long while. Now that I've experienced running at 5 in the morning (after sleeping for 2 hours), I gotta say, I'm not really sure what I was thinking back in high school when I thought it'd be "cool" and/or "fun" to sneak out of the house at 2 am to .. go running! Man, what were Leslie and I thinking? Most kids sneak out to party. Not me.

Anyway so, between YahooGuy and RedShortsGuy, I had my work cut out for me last weekend. Bring on the Women's Half Marathon. If I didn't feel fully redeemed during the Relay, I plan to this weekend!

Maybe SF isn't so bad. I still miss lots of things, but I may as well enjoy life while I live here, eh?

Swades

2005-08-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

You know when all your friends move away and all you want to do is go somewhere cool and new too, but there's a growing, but still teensy tiny part of you that really just wants to move back home? That's how I feel right now. Like I've had my adventures and my cool life in the cool city far away. But I miss the hot summers and the loving parents and the friends that might have moved too once, but long to move back just like I do. Or maybe they've beaten me to it. The friends that last for life, not just a year of loneliness. Why do always feel like I have to be defensive about it? Is it the tone in their voice when they ask why?

For Jason

2005-07-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

Everything else just seems so pointless. It’s like I’m living in 2 lives right now. The business me, and the real me. The real me wanted to go home today, and give sapun a big hug. And just be there with him. But the business me won that battle, and I’m not sure how because it all seemed so seamless.

And the real me seems to be waking up right now, but it’s too late. I have to go now, and I can’t be at home with him even though he needs me so so badly right now. Everyone else is with him, but me. I feel inhuman.

I want to turn it on and off but mostly I’m just in shock. How can a good person just go in such a terrible way? Why would something like that happen? Why even bother trying to live a good life if you have to endure so much pain? On the other hand, why not live a more meaningful life?

Great. Now I have to board a plane but I want nothing more than to stay here. In a chair, surrounded by frozen time.

I want to move back home.

Turbo Kickboxing?

2005-07-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I had a 1980s experience, complete with a skinny man in spandex doing jumping jacks and screaming at the sweaty cubicle-dwellers behind him to jump! cross punch! cross kick! forwards! backwards! twist around! as fast and perkily as we could!! I could have sworn this stuff died 20 years ago.

I am so never going back. The only workout I got (I apologize in advance for being a workout snob here) was sweating because it was so damn hot in the room. But my heart rate? Still snoozin'. Now I know, I must spin, and only spin, from here on out.

Note to self: be extremely choosy about aerobics classes.

The miracle of adrenaline

2005-07-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me how powerful an adrenaline rush is. I'll be at my absolute most irritable, and a few spurts of speed and an hour of losing myself in a big park later - I'm more relaxed than I can remember. Nothing against spas, massages, and relaxing mixtures of potpourri, but nothing else in the world gives me that feeling of total freedom from worry.

This morning, every tiny thing set me off. And now... who cares!

And that is just one small reason why I love to run.

Snobbery

2005-06-26T18:57:00.000-07:00

Am I a spoiled brat? Have I been spending too much time living in my non-profit/student life world?

The hotel doesn't even have shampoo! Where am I? Miles from civilization, that's where. Where are the bicycles and the bike lanes when you need them, Amsterdam? Let me out of this cage, I am already suffocating! Do you think that there are people laughing, taunting, at the runner on the treadmill in the 10x10 fitness centre with two other machines jammed in there and no weights, at how silly the little hamster looks in her cage?

Seriously, next time we are doing just a tad more research on hotels. One that perhaps, has a teensy bit more, um, services?

Get me back to san francisco, STAT! can i really turn 24 here??

... a few minutes later....

whew! leaving for a hotel tomorrow whose name I recognize. That's a relief. In the meantime, I'm going to buy myself toothpaste from the vending machine.

Homebody-ness

2005-06-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

So even though I personally organized a big night out in my neighborhood last night, as soon as the sun went down I decided it would be waaaay more fun to stay at my apartment and drink/talk amongst friends. Which made me realize that (1) I'm a lot more hermit-ish (I blame the working-alone-from-home that I do all the time now), and (2) I'm an oldy moldy.

That second point, I believe, is the most important. I used to want to explore the city, but the weather and the spending of money on drinks I could make at home are reasons I never would have let deter me five years ago. But here we are, in a new time and place. Sure hope that I'm not this lazy when I'm on the other side of the world next week!

Here's hopin'. And to make sure I'm truly inspired to get out, I'm gonna go SHOPPING!

Nothing beats a good 80s movie...

2005-06-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

"who... iris? she's given more rides than greyhound"

Good ol' ABC Family - between this and Encore, I'm all set with classic teen movies from the 80s and 90s. Bonus points if you get the movie line above. High school was rough, eh?

Anyway, it's so fun to get lost in the world of tv and cheesy movies on those nights when you just don't want to think about anything. Just hang out (and hope the rumors aren't true about metabolism for a person on the couch as slower than that of a sleeping person. Because if it is, I'll be spending twice as much time at the gym tomorrow....)